She's true. I don't have commitment in anything.

忠言逆耳.. I will think this over.

Dreams are unnecessary, actions give more.

Life's not life if there's no obstacles..

Exams is just one of them and soon I am rid of this chaos!

But after that, as what I wanted before - learning piano,

is not quite possible as my mum seems to have a disliking on this..

Oh well, 

guess I'll just go wherever the Fate brings me..

I found out that I am quite arrogant,

I look down at those who are weaker than me, 

can I get rid of this weakness?

Life's like a dream...

Oh Lord,

I know these are just trials

that you made

to test my persistence.

I shall get over them!

So no one can be trusted after all.

Dream Come True?

I was playing the keyboard,

then my mum came in and she said, 

'You wanna learn piano? Go ahead.'

Piano Dream

I always dream that I can learn piano some day..

Today finally I got a keyboard! 

Its not mine, its Ruo Huai's, but still its better than nothing!

I like piano, I always want to learn.

But I figured out that you can't ask your friend to teach you,

because they won't teach you seriously.

So, I am up to my own.

No matter how people despise me, 

I will still live my way.

And one day I'll tell them, 

I am great, and you?

Songs

Someone asked me, 'Aw you like this kind of emo songs?'

Now I am answering it, hell yeah cos they suit me.

Value

Everyone has their different ways of seeing the values of things.

In my eyes, I don't take my family and friends lightly.

Frankly, most people tend to be closer to their friends than their family.

I want my friends to trust me, like the way I trust them.

People doesn't value me as I value them.

This may be absurd, but I do trust all of my friends.

Exception goes to those who've done wrong before.

But still, I value my friends. 

And God, I hope they value me too.

Mid-Autumn

This year's mid-autumn ain't the same :)

My sister and my lanterns, ultraman's mine :)

I don't like telling lies. 

I ain't feeling alright. 

Elise says..

Today my MUET teacher said,

'Men are controlled by what they see.'

'Women are controlled by their feelings.'

She meant the way they choose their partners.

So.. What do we call the creature caught in between?

Vimal

Vimal find me just now, its nice hearing from him :)

And anyway he said because I'm always so excited, people likes me.

Haha. Is it really that way? I take that as a compliment XD

Sometimes I think I might be too desperate to get attention from the others..

Many misunderstood my definition of getting attention..

I wish people to talk to me, I wish people to ask about me and so on..

When I look back, I realised I don't really have any true friends..

Kent Mun? Oh ya, he's one of my good friends, he talks to me and he know lots of me,

but he's faraway already, and I am certainly one of his many many little friends.

Jing Yeat? Perhaps. But he no longer knows anything about me, and he's not near either..

Other than this two, I can't find anymore friends who really knows me. 

Oh, God bless me!

I am not as agile, not as wise,

 not as intelligent, not as hardworking,

 not as persistent and persevere, not as talented, 

not as handsome, not as masculine, not as attracting,

 not as brave, not as caring, not as careful, not as patient, 

not as generous, not as dedicated, not as cheerful, not as funny,

 not as thankful, not as persuasive, not as strong.. 

If mortals are meant to be imperfect..

 I am the perfect fit.

Random

 I fell down in a dark alley on a lonely night,

 and you brought me up and gave me light, 

and so I made a promise with you at my right, 

that I'll hold you tight forever with all my might.

Perfect Holidays

I haven't had a holiday like this before. 

Like the past, I'd prefer to stay in my own house, sitting in front of the computer,

and waste all of my time doing useless stuffs.

And this time, the first holiday after I became an eighteen, is fabulous indeed!

I went out with my friends, sometimes families for 11 days in this short 13-days-holiday!

Oh well, although I spent quite some amount of cash, I got something more precious.. That is friendship..

'We can't buy any friends', that I believe..

Random

Sometimes, somehow, 

I feel that, we humans are just some wretched beings.

We hurt others to satisfy our own desire and lust.

How pathetic?

Friends

I treasure all my friends very very much..

I love them all..

Today I missed the chance to cam with well, sad :(

If I am being asked, which I would put as my first place,

this will be the following,

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Love

4. Work

5. Money

At the end, family is still my first priority :)

2010

It is always nice to have dreams, that you can reach.

This year, I hope I can do/achieve the following things..

i) get good results for my studies

ii) learn piano

iii) perform well in the Sixth Form Night

and others..

I learned that, people despise you when you are nothing..

They crushes you when you are weak..

And so I'll learn to be strong, so that I am not so vulnerable..

God Bless Me!! 

Future..

People doesn't see you when you are in the bottom..

Your hard works, your determination..

All those will only be seen.. 

When you are on the peak.

When will I ever see the peak?

Misery

I have my own way of hide my misery.

I turn curious, I try to get into a group of people through curiosity,

because I know,

If I doesn't do so, I will remain lonely.

18 July

18th July

is a day that I won't forget, 

forever and ever.

It stalks my heart,

no matter how old I grow,

the scar will still remain there..

GERAMJI

'GERAMJI' is a word that I learned during the CB class in Geo Kosmo.

It means, the frustration that you are having when you are forced to do something you don't like or not willing to do.

I had this feeling during the meeting this afternoon.

Although we were taught to change our thinking, from 'being forced' to 'I chose to do this',

I still can't accept the fact that they put me in the design group.

I was being put into the board-designing group and backdrop-designing group in the past few years..

And, me myself, and I bet the others too, knew that I am not good at it.

I was simply put there because there isn't any room for me in the other groups,

or they think, 'minor people should do minor work'. Perhaps?

I simply hate arts. I hate drawing, I hate designing. Thats just not my field.

If I am given a chance to choose, I prefer to do paperworks, at least I will be able to do something rather than having GERAMJI and not showing any good results.

Moody II

I think a lot when I am moody..

My relationship with my siblings,

are considered great, if compared to the others..

We joked around, chat around..

However..

Sometimes I realised, there's JEALOUSY existing.. 

Maybe only from me..

My brother..

When relatives are talking about my brother..

They'll say, 'He's a intelligent boy!'

When it comes to me..

'He's gentle..'

Why? 

Am I not good enough? 

I perform better than him in examinations..

I deserved these?

When we were little..

My parents sent him to learn piano..

Me?

I don't get a thing..

Both of them..

When there's houseworks to be done..

'Ian!!'

Is the first name heard in my house..

Everything..

'Ian!!'

'Ian, come help me with the laundry!'

'Ian, don't sit in front of the computer!'

'Ian, help grandma preparing the dinner!'

'Ian, go out with me to buy something!'

'Ian, get me my spectacles!'

'Ian, help me with my computer!'

'Ian, whats the meaning of this word?'

'Ian, why ain't your brother coming back this week?'

'Ian, where did your sister go? When is she coming back?'

'Ian, why don't I see you studying?'

All these.. 

Its not that I am not helpful..

Not that I don't want to give a hand..

But,

Can they ask them, too?

Ya ya, they asked. A few times maybe.

And when I complained about this,

My mum said 'because you are a good boy!'

Oh, let me give you another answer.

'Because I am a weakling, and weaklings are meant to be bullied.' 

Zzz.. Whatever..

Moody

Oh well.. I get moody sometimes..

It strikes out of nowhere..

I always say, moody doesn't mean you can express your moodiness on others..

Though.. I did myself..

Sorry to those,

Whom I did wrong to, being harsh to..

I am sorry..

Kingdom Hearts II - Utada Hikaru

I like this song..

Random

Ever since I was in primary school, 

I was always being called 'sissy'..

Is it true? 

I do not know..

However..

As time passes,

It seems that I grew sensitive to the word.

I was always alert when I heard the word.

'Are they referring to me?' 

was what in my mind.

Am I? 

I've tried to change my gestures,

but did it work?

I guess not..

Because people remember what you were, 

not realising what you are..

________________________________________________

There was lotsa people who helped me before..

I would like to thank those who cares about me..

My parents,

Family,

Friends,

Mates..

And those who helped me in other ways..

Those who fetched me home..

That reminds me of who I am..

Who do not look down at me..

And so many others..

Thank you.

_________________________________________________

Oh well..

I thought about my future..

What'd I become in the future?

Would I have a bright and fantastic future?

Could I have what I want?

'Through the storms and raging seas,

I will never be alone..

Cos' I know You will shine Your light!'

Memory

Just now when I was bathing, 

I suddenly remember the time we were bathing in the camp, after coming back from Khidmat Komuniti..

Everything became past, whats remain is only memory..

And I wonder, how's after life?

Will I go back to places where I have my happiest memories? 

Perhaps..

追远

"追远" 

I came across this word in a drama show 'Little Nyonya'.

More or less it means, no matter how far we are, we must never forget our ancestors. 

Although its not quite related, it reminded me of '饮水思源'. Literally it means when you are drinking water, you must always remember its from the stream.

It means, you must remember who helped you before, and repay them in any other means.

This made me remember what I did in the past. I shouldn't have left without informing them. Its my fault, they helped me a lot, and now I am regretting.

Thats why, I must not forget those who helped me before anymore. No more regrets in the future. From fetching me to home, providing me shelter, food, to love and friendship. Thank you all.

Untitled

I wonder, if one day, bad luck befalls me and I am in deep shit, what'd I do, feel and think?

Birthday Photos

Me and my sister.

Mummy says I looked too dull :(

Papa, Mama and Grandma :D

Oh and my Pandan Layer Cake XD

Birthday Boy

Today's my 18th birthday.

My wishes are...

Firstly, hope that this 18th birthday will be the turning point in my life.

Secondly, hope that I can find my own dream soon.

Thirdly, may god bless all my friends, mates and my family. Continue to bless Vimal, hope he can strive in his life. And not to forget my brothers and sisters, Bernard & Vivian, Raymond & Syuen. 

Last but not least, hope I can be hardworking and persistent in doing everything.

God bless us all! 

3 Days after PLKN

Today's 13 March 2010, 3 days after the day I came out of PLKN, 2 days after I took my SPM result.
Actually I was not very excited with the SPM result, the day when I was taking my result, I was missing the days when I was still inside Geo Kosmo...


I spent around 2 months inside Geo Kosmo, many happy and sad memories I had inside the camp...
Upon reaching Geo Kosmo, I started writing diary, I was very hardworking writing at first, but then, Ian's 'belang' came out - 'hangat-hangat tahi ayam', anyway I still wrote it, though not daily.


The first day in Geo Kosmo, I got to see 5 Sam Tet boys in the same camp. We, the Ipoh guys were the earliest to arrive in the camp, and so the whole day passed very dully, we spent the whole day sleeping. I knew Wai Loon on the first day, since his bed was beside me. And the right hand side was Kai Kit, my school mate since primary school. We discussed about the guy at the opposite side, who spent most of his time sleeping.


The second day (3/1/2010), people from Tapah and Selangor came. We spent the whole afternoon sleeping again... Anyway the third day (4/1/2010) we'll be getting our uniforms. We witnessed people smoking in our dorm, precisely Malays, that worsen my opinion against Malays. And that night was our first time of 'baris malam'.


The sixth day (7/1/2010), someone's cigarettes were found by the teachers on the fifth day, thank god! (I greatly anti-smokers) That morning I was woken up by a very loud alarm clock, the point is, the owner didn't wake up, but the whole dorm already woke up, by his alarm clock... And that was Vimal, whom I still did not know by that time. On the fifth day again (6/1/2010), I was shaved bald, I felt different! Although when I slept on my pillow my head feels a bit strange, the feeling when I bathed was so great! That day I told myself not to think too much and not to be sensitive. Anyway I lied in a survey during that night. Our Ketua Kompeni, Azroy was scolded that night, because of his incapibility of controlling the people. The people were laughing at him, but that only shows their childishness. 


The seventh day (8/1/2010)! That day I was down for almost the whole morning, until the KKJ time during afternoon. I was humming the song 《橄榄树》 the whole time. Seng Him was the first person to ask me whats wrong, though I never tell him. During the KKJ discussion time, Bravo decided to have the group's name as Aurora. I wrote a song for Bravo, though it was not used. Anyway a boy whom I remembered his name since the first day of CB, Nazrin, said that my song was okay. I thought he forgot me.. I also found out that many people there were not matured in their thinking, and not serious at all.


10 January 2010, it was a Sunday, I went to a church, an Anglican church, that was the first time I heard about Anglican. I didn't go to the Catholic church because I wanted to follow my friends, and some more I wasn't serious about religion stuffs at all. After that, my parents came and brought me some food. 


11 January 2010, I learned that we must think out of box in order to success! Nice CB lesson! I knew that something is impossible already, so I told myself to give up... Well, the weather over there is kinda peculiar, maybe because its surrounded by hills? The rain may fall down anytime, even though the Sun is still high up. Bravo started as a weak company, in terms of spirit, teamwork and discipline.


12 January 2010, I started to feel blur towards time, I can't remember anymore whats the day or date if I didn't write my diary. Azroy did the open sharing that day, his story was touching, though it was hard for me to cry or weep. I always think that crying is just not the stuff for me. A new boy named Chin Kiat came that day, Kai Kit was very scary that day. Impossible is impossible!


13 January 2010, CB class was very nice to me, Gab improved, since he started talking. I wanted to go for the open sharing but I didn't have the guts to go, so I gave up for that day. A boy named Nazree or something, who resembles Aswin a lot, went back to his home, due to his weight - 35kg, which is too low. 2 more people came, one Malay - Emy and one Chinese - Kim Hua. Well I didn't like Kim Hua, Chin Kiat is much more better, in terms of leadership. I thought 'Is it the thinking of Malays and Indians grow slower?', since they are always fooling around and not being serious. Don't think too much!


14 January 2010, time passes very fast, its already the thirteenth day. Chin Kiat was nice, very active, and I thought of being a 'follower' of his, haha. That day we were introduced with 'Sukan Kreativiti' and 'Pertolongan Cemas'. Thursday night, 'Kelas Kerohanian' was very boring to me! Once again, don't think too much!


15 January 2010, fourteenth day, I don't like Kim Hua, and started to dislike Seng Him also. I became the Captain for Glowy, that was nice! We created an 'Entertainment Machine' that day, the function is to entertain us with dancing, smile, music and love. Well, that was an idea of me~ I think the same day we did the Aeroplane activity. I improved my relationship with Farah, Vee and Wan Lee. That day was the presentation of KKJ, and of course, Bravo-Aurora got the last place. We lose to the others in terms of spirit and teamwork! I was closest to Chin Kiat and Wan Lee that time. That morning I had a nightmare, it was freaking real, since it took place in my dorm also, it was like this... I woke up in the midnight and I decided go back to sleep (since I am scared of creepy stuffs), When I closed my eyes I heard some creepy sound, I straight away hold the necklace my grandma gave me (a Catholic one), and took out the 'jampi' inside my pillow. I thought it was real, but then i found out the 'jampi' is still inside my pillow, luckily~ The Kelas Kerohanian that night, I met Chyi Huan, he joined a Christian Camp and he came along with Pastor Raymond. Today I can sleep longer, since tomorrow's a Saturday!


22 January 2010, that day I told myself not to be too 'transparent'. Chin Kiat asked us 'who's your best friend around here?'. I answered 'Wan Lee'. But did he answered 'Ian', I do not know... Two Chinese boys argued in L2 that day~


23 January 2010, Saturday, first Malam Kebudayaan, I borrowed Baju Melayu from Shidi, and now I feel guilty for returning to him without washing...

Me and Farah

Me and Vimal

25January 2010, our first time of Marching lesson, we learned how to hormat ke hadapan and some basic stuffs.

26 January 2010, today we did the Water Confidence, we swam in the dirty water pool, but I still enjoyed myself, because I didn't swim for years already. Vimal told me he was afraid of deep water, so its kinda difficult for him.

27 January 2010, second First Aid lesson, we were taught how to CPR (Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation), though I can't see anything due to the crowd in front.

28 January 2010, CB almost reaching the end, that day each of us did our juggle performance, I only did it until the 6th step, Tas-tas Lambung. Anyway it was good enough for me! My buddy, Fazly did it until 8th, he was awesome! That afternoon we went for Water Activity, it was near our dorm, I only got to play Rakit, since the space and amount of Kayak was limited. Everyone said they didn't learn anything in CB, but I was totally different, I learned how to contribute in a group and whats more I found my target! I want to learn more languages and maybe continue my further studies on Psychology. Alpha's Chinese were scolded, that was because they teased Siew Siew. Serve them right. We lose our Aurora flag! So we were punished to have a performance on the coming Wednesday. I joined the choir group for the performance.

29 January 2010, at last I did the open sharing on the last day of CB. I was the first to go, but then my buddy, Fazly and another girl, Miera's open sharing were much more better! They were so awesome, especially Fazly, losing weight from hundreds until now he's no longer fat! 

31 January 2010,Rien was wrong, I was not thinking about returning home, my mind was just wandering away as usual. Today our choir's Warisan practice is getting better! But Shiera and Aisyah gave me a feeling like 'Saya tidak peduli'. Haniff went back already, one more people less in Bravo.

2 February 2010, it was one month already since I came to PLKN. The day after will be our performance day! Bravo was scolded by Roberto today, due to the dirtiness of our dorms. That was the second day of Integrasi class, its kinda boring. That morning Chin Kiat fell down during the Baris Pagi, I helped him to go to the medic, and in return I wounded my hands because I didn't hold him strong enough. That night I saw an orange-coloured moon, was it Eclipse? 

3 February 2010, I didn't expect Nazrin to remember my name, but he did! I only told my name to him on the first day on CB, and we never talk ever since that time. It proved everyone's not the same~ Anyway Vimal told me Nazrin said a sentence in the class 'Saya bukan pendiam, saya pilih untuk diam' o_o Nice huh?

5 February 2010, Integrasi class ended with performances by all the classes. My class, named Pelangi Petang did terribly, still every class got prizes, thats the plot, right? Bravo's performance was delayed to next Monday, I hope Kisah is doing well.

6 February 2010, today's the education fair. I got to know that Lewell's birthday was that day when he was writing his IC on the forms. He still don't know me yet that time. I found out that I am interested in certain subjects like Psychology and Nutrition. I was already imagining my ideal future, hope that I can own a little house in the future. Kenegaraan and Flying Fox/Repelling starts next week! 

8 February 2010, that day, the night sky were full of stars. I have never seen such beautiful scene before! First day of Kenegaraan, Cikgu Ifa replaced Cikgu Aishah temporarily, and I became the PM for KN9. We will start the KK on Wednesday, and I found out that I was in the same group with Rachael and Richard. Alpha did the Flying Fox/Repelling that afternoon (though ended up raining half way), we listen to the talk on Kraf Hutan. Our Bravo's performance was so fantastic! I didn't expect kisah to give such nice performance, congratulations Bravo! And we got back our flag =D

9 February 2010, PM were asked to go up the stage to sing Rukun Negara. We made the Water Bottle Converter in KN. Later we were to go into KK class to get information about KK. I was the first volunteer-er to become the AJK makanan (someone needs to start first, right?) and our Ketua was Kumar and Penolong Saphire. Repelling was freaking fun! Though I ended up shivering when I reached the ground. 

21 February 2010, one week after Chinese New Year. I got 54 in the shooting session, not bad huh. Nazrin got 107 though, I wonder how is that possible o_o I learned to control myself, if not its impossible for me to change. And, I felt like being closer to Jesus, thats good! God Bless Me!

22 February 2010, I started to get closer with Jo, Nazrin and Lewell. Instead, I feel more fun when I am not just being close with my own race. 

27 February 2010, today's the 'Derma Darah' day, I regretted I didn't go for it, since I do not know my own blood group. I read Asian Beacon that day, and I knew that I am just going through crush phase, hope this phase will go away quickly. Debate competition was delayed to next Tuesday. I fasted on 26/2/2010, due to Catholic thing, it helped me to learn appreciating food, and the food that night was godlikely delicious!

(though the others scrutinized me when I said that) James fasted along with me too~ I washed the plates along with Jo, I feel good when I am being the penyumbang! And he definitely contributes to my action of washing the plates later~

1 March 2010, the moon that day was very big and bright~ The day before, 28/2/2010, many people came along when we go to the church. I felt uneasy...

I began to like going to churches, and of course Kelas Kerohanian. That day, a Monday, was the last day of KN, goodbye Cikgu Aishah, Aufa, Rais, Hani, Mirasha. The next day will be the debate competition! We were taught to build up tents in the afternoon~

5 March 2010, the debate competition on 2/3/2010 was a completely failure for me, I couldn't even read the script. Never mind, just let it be an experience for me. Anyway Cikgu Aishah treated us burgers, thanks teacher =D Lewell's and Rouvin's team were beaten up during the second round. Dean's team won the champion in the final, and Mirul's second. The best debator was Bal! I support KN8 XD The WiraJaya that day was cancelled because we will be returning home earlier - 10/3/2010 due to SPM result... I wanted to stay longer... We went to KKB on 4/3/2010, Geo Kosmo showed the best discipline, cheers! I wrote my prayers on the paper in Kelas Kerohanian! I wrote my name for ATM. The 'Merentas Desa' was fun! I got 76 among 100, at least I wasn't the last~ Whats shocking is that Vimal got 11! His spirit drove him to the maximum! Gratz! My prayers worked XD

Ending... Bravo got the 4th place in overall, at least we enjoyed! Sabah-ians went back on Tuesday (9/3/2010), that made me cried few times! Goodbye Lewell, Nazrin, Dean, Yuie, Amin! That midnight Sarawak-ians went back... Goodbye Jo, Nee, Louis, AB, Tarence! And so we went back on 10/3/2010...

On 11 March 2010, 9.00 P.M. , RTM1 showed the live performance of the best camps around Malaysia! The whole performance was so touching! Especially when I heard the song I sang before and the performance I've done before! Why our camp never have any competition?

I got my SPM result, it was like what I'd expected, 5A~ The difference was I expected an A for my BM, but instead I got B+ for it and A- for my BC. o_o My Chinese not bad, huh? Form 6, here I come! I won't give up no matter what others say!